Yippee I passed – a personal account
This morning I woke up sensing that something has changed in me. In this moment I feel a step change in confidence and a sense of competence not there yesterday, on waking. There’s a smile on my face and a laugh inside realising that, even as a grown woman, the impact of ‘formal assessment’ and in this case, external recognition through a clear PASS and a handshake (and hugs), is still wonderfully fulfilling.
After over three years and nearly 300 hours on our local Waiheke Volunteer Coastguard vessel I finally helmed myself over the threshold into fully qualified Operational status. It does not mean I am more competent than yesterday, nor does it mean I can stop learning. What it does mean for Coastguard is that they will count me in, alongside of the skipper, as reliable crew trusted to contribute in a meaningful way to most crew, vessel and rescue activities. There is something about being "counted” that matters to me here.
It's taken a wee while! When I first joined Waiheke Volunteer Coastguard Kim – my friend and fellow crew member – told me it was OK to be “in this for the long game”. The permission I gave myself from this comment way back then was it may take a while – chill out, it’s OK. It’s OK not to be great to at this from day one. I’m accustomed to getting by on smarts and emotional strength – it’s been great to let myself “not know”, not grasp a lesson the very first time round. To be trainee, a deckhand, an often slow learner who can freak out and ask for help when need. I told myself the steps are there and when I am ready I’ll take them.
I knew I needed to invite spaciousness into my world if I was to learn well. Little did I know the next three years would be way less spacious than many. I had embraced a heavy duty ‘day job’ as head of a national Charity; sometime later I resigned from this role which in itself was ‘space taking’ at all levels; a chaotic cacophony of hormones created havoc with my heart, mind and body, and anyone else’s who dared to show up near me probably. Menopause is a real thing! Oh and a nasty virus threatened our world’s health and livelihood. I mention these things because I found taking more in (learning and retaining stuff) hard. It was not possible to rely on the old ‘being more than I am’ strategies I learnt way back. The reminder offered to me – sometimes feels like a revelation – and the door this opened was realising that I am enough, just as I am.
I was fully spent by night fall last night. It’s exhausting being tested over something that matters to me. The appreciation I feel for those who’ve crewed and skippered, mentored and befriended and cared about me, at home and on the boat, is immense. Thank you, and a deep bow of gratitude to you.